When One Partner “Wins,” the Relationship Loses
When conflict arises in marriage, it’s easy to fall into a win/lose mindset. But the truth is—when one partner “wins” at the expense of the other, the relationship “loses.”
Healthy relationships don’t thrive on control; they grow through collaboration. What if, instead of Win vs. Lose, we embraced a Win + Win mindset?
Here are 7 intentional practices for navigating conflict in a way that fosters connection rather than competition.
1. Communicate Expectations—Don’t Expect Mind Reading
Unspoken expectations often feel like unmet needs—but if they’re not shared, they’re not fair.
- Speak openly about what you need rather than hoping your partner picks up on clues.
- Use dialogue, not monologue—talk with your spouse, not at them.
- Be honest, direct, and kind.
Try phrasing needs as:
“I feel supported when…” instead of “You never…”
Clear communication creates shared understanding and sets both partners up for success.
2. Clarify, Don’t Assume
Our assumptions are often shaped by past experiences—not by current reality.
- Before reacting, pause and ask: “Did I hear that right?”
- Remember, body language and tone carry more meaning than words alone.
- Reflect what you heard: “What I hear you saying is…”
Listening isn’t waiting for your turn to speak—it’s making sure you truly understand.
3. Seek to Understand Before Solving
It’s tempting to rush into “fixing” mode, but proper resolution begins with empathy.
- Let your partner fully share before offering solutions.
- Understanding doesn’t mean agreement—it means compassion.
- Ask yourself: “Is this a matter of principle or preference?”
The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to win together as a team.
4. Address the Issue, Not Each Other
When emotions run high, it’s easy to personalize the problem. But remember—the issue is the issue. Your partner is not your enemy.
- Focus on the topic, not on each other’s character.
- Avoid defensiveness and blame-shifting.
- Speak from your perspective: “I feel overwhelmed when…”
instead of “You always…”
This shift keeps the conversation constructive rather than combative.
5. Take Breaks When Needed—With a Plan to Return
Sometimes, a pause is the healthiest next step.
- If emotions rise too high, agree to take a short break and revisit the conversation later.
- Say, “I need 20 minutes to cool off, then I’ll come back ready to talk.”
- Pay attention to physical cues—fatigue, hunger, or stress can intensify conflict.
Timeouts aren’t avoidance—they’re emotional regulation in action.
6. Choose the Right Setting for Tough Conversations
Timing and location matter.
- Avoid bringing up serious issues in confined spaces (like the car) or during heated moments.
- Choose a calm, private space where both partners feel safe.
- Schedule uninterrupted time for meaningful discussions.
Safe environments create the foundation for secure communication.
7. Own Your Role and Practice Accountability
Healthy relationships require responsibility, not scorekeeping.
- Avoid deflecting with “Well, what about you?”
- Focus on your own growth and contribution to the conflict.
- Ask, “How can I take responsibility for my part?”
Accountability isn’t punishment—it’s an act of love and humility that strengthens connection.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is inevitable in marriage—but it doesn’t have to divide. With patience, empathy, and emotional maturity, it can become a path toward deeper intimacy and mutual respect.
At The Well: Family Support, we help couples strengthen communication, manage conflict, and rebuild trust. Together, you can learn to turn conflict into connection—and thrive as partners, not opponents.
Learn more about couples therapy at thewellms.org.
References
American Psychological Association. (2017). The road to resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best-seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. Jossey-Bass.
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
